Sending all my love and prayers to my family today.

I woke up today, just like every other day, ready to tackle anything that gets thrown at me.. Daisy-Ella had been changed and fed and my wife was on duty to look after her for a bit whilst I was cheekily getting some rest upstairs. I just wasn’t expecting this.

These past few weeks have been confusing, to say the least, as my father had been over from the states to visit my grandmother. This morning made me realise that in the heat of a tragic notice I go into a state of denial. A pre emptive strike against my emotions as to not get hurt. This exact same scenario has happened many a time before and has always left me empty to the prospect of feeling that emotional flood. I arose to some news that has hit me quite hard.

I saw my phone had been lit up since the early hours with a conversation over social media. To read the words about my grandmother;

‘….sadly this morning at 7am she passed away.’

My heart just stopped. I couldn’t catch a breathe. In shock more than anything as I had not known my grandma was that unwell. I was given some information but not to this end. A flood of regret poured over me as if I had done something wrong, as if I had not been the best grandson. It made me realise that I had taken for granted what I have around me, my family.

Then my mind switched. Daisy-Ella. I myself had missed out by many year of meeting my great grandmother but for her, there was time or so I thought.

I wanted Daisy-Ella to meet her.

I wanted her to have the chance to, at least once, know where I came from and what a woman my grandmother was.

Thinking back to gather the information from the sparing place that is my mind. What memories do I have? ….. Ahhh yes, Those gnomes, just everywhere. My grandmother had made it a long life plan to have little workers in her back garden. I remember in my youth hearing of magical stories of how these awoke in the night. The way in which we grew up knowing her blonde hair and called her ‘grandma with the yellow hair’ . With memories, Unlock one and you unlock them all. I had obviously had all these memories locked up in a vault somewhere just waiting for me to enter the code to take a peak.

My wife had seen the news from my sister and came straight to my aid. My wife walked through the bedroom door. She didn’t even need to ask. She just held me. Embracing me as close as anyone could. With the ache and pain straining behind my eyes, the one set of words that have taken down empires destroyed me, ‘I love you’.

So unlike many, we have our ways of dealing with these situations. I’m alone, with myself and my thoughts. Trying to decipher how I really am. How I’m going to deal with this. Just as long as I don’t use my defaulted setting of denial.

I can’t begin to fathom what my father must be feeling. To have lost someone so dear. A lifeline. A rock for most of his. As I sit here with my phone in hand and the numbers dialled, I just don’t know what to say. What can I say? But I’ll call. If not just to let him know I’m here and I care.

‘This all takes time’

I’ll await type signal of ‘funeral details’ and set in motion to erase some blockades I have put up in my time. For now. I want to be alone.

Rest In Peace Grandma With The Yellow Hair.. I Love You

If you get the chance today call up a loved one and let them know you love them. Enjoy one thing in life that you can always count on. Your family.