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Atheist, Agnostic or Christian? What am I? And what do I want?

Over the last few weeks I’ve been struggling with a dilemma I hadn’t even contemplated being an issue. 

And now I’m at a cross roads.

Throughout my life I have lived in sunny old England, lands of the Church of England and atheism. A land where we are taught that science over rules the theoretical teachings of hope and hostility known as religion. A land where for thousands of years religion flourished, yet now churches have been banished and forgotten like a barren wasteland, yet I’m here, feeling…..  something. 

And this only started being a ‘thing’ since my daughter was born.

How did I feel? I hear you cry

All I can say is I felt a bit……uneasy? Uneasy hmm, yes I guess that best explains the sheer shock I was in. Yet throughout these last 10 years religion has been solely based on me praying for sport, England to score a goal, Aaron Rogers to get us to the Super Bowl or Arsene Wenger to get us to the champions league final but these cracks recently have been showing up in just random spots,

Until We even had an incident.

A few months back me and my wife we’re sitting down watching the TV, from what I can recall there was something on with an air of religion to it ..(could be completely wrong here) then out of the blue I recited every word to the Lord’s Prayer to Kerry. All I can say is her face was priceless, as if she’d just unearthed a part of me she had never seen before, as if I was a different man.

I myself thought it was a natural occurrence to know the Lords Prayer, readings from the bible and information You could only know from scripture.

Now I have always had the issue of ‘what if?’ 

•What if it’s not true
•What if it is true
•What if I’m doing it wrong
•What if I’m doing it for now reason
•What if I’ve believed wrong 
•Etc

This is why, not denouncing Christianity, but I took a step back and took a look at what I knew AND how I felt about what I knew and this is where I stumbled upon the word ‘agnostic’.

    agnostic
      Line breaks: ag|nos¦tic
      Pronunciation: /agˈnɒstɪk  /

Agnostic theism In particular; The view of those who do not claim to know of the existence of any deity, but still believe in such an existence

Now this is where I’m where I’m stuck at this precise moment and can see myself being at this stage for a very long time but there is still a part of me that needs to have my daughter christened and to introduce her to the church.

The dilemma! My wife is atheist through and through with a bit of Buddhist theology thrown in for good measure and believes Daisy-Ella should be the only person who can make that choice.

I WANT BOTH!! And believe both are correct so how do I decide.

To add to this debate recently it has also come up in conversation about the idea of having a godfather and godmother for Daisy-Ella. I had mine picked out with the ideas of a ceremony. Ideas of who we would ask and the next thing I heard threw me back..

“Don’t you mean guardians?”

To be honest I hadn’t actually heard a non religious term for a godparent before and this was it.

So, do I go with my mind, my heart or my gut feeling.. Is my wife right in giving Daisy-Ella the choice of what she can or cannot believe in or am I just over thinking it all?

What are your thoughts? Have you ever felt this? Have you ever had to make the choice? 

I think only time will tell and a lot of talking.

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