Post Natal Depression in Parents

Post natal depression is a bitch.  It is a shitty thing to have to go through, robbing you of that precious time of welcoming your new baby.  For a new mother going through this, it feels like it takes away their control, leaving them with unmanageable thoughts and feeling like they are a stranger in their own body.  It affects not only the mother but the father as well.

You will be surprised to know that one out of seven new mothers experience postnatal depression.  That’s a scary number.  When one may think that it could never happen to them, chances are high that it might.  No one can predict how a mother’s body is going to respond to all the changes that it goes through, how one is going to feel after the birth of their new baby or how this may change your relationship with your significant other.

The most important thing you can do if your wife unfortunately is going through this is to keep being connected with one another.  The relationship that she has with you is crucial.  It has been shown that the link a woman has with her significant other greatly affects her mood disorders antenatally and postnatally.  For the lucky ones having a baby should only increase the bond that you and her share.  Through this bond, it gives you both confidence as parents, gives comfort and a sense of security.  Big factors that can help keep post natal depression at bay.  Take time to nurture, work at it and trust in your relationship.  Should you hit a road block, seek out council.  This does not mean that you have failed, only that you both may need extra support. Sadly though PND has a very adverse effect on happy couples and is one main factor of many break ups within the first year of having a child.

Signs you have Postnatal Depression:

• sad or low
• unable to enjoy anything
• extremely tired, with no energy
• hopeless
• a sense of guilt
• lacking in appetite
• miserable
• tearful
• anxious

Other factors that can bring on PND:

• You have been depressed before, or have had problems with your mental health, or were depressed during a previous pregnancy. 
• You don’t have a supportive partner, or have no family or friends living nearby.
• You’re having money, housing, work or relationship problems.
• You had a difficult labour, and health problems afterwards.
• Your baby was born prematurely, or is unwell.
• You are finding it difficult to breastfeed.
• Sad memories have been stirred up after your baby was born, such as the death of one of your parents.

The hardest part of having PND is being able to acknowledge that you have a problem. Others around you may be noticing the symptoms but others may be may only see snippets and think nothing of it but ultimately the road to being happy is all in your hands. Recently talking to a local health visitor gave me insight into how PND is actually assessed and I was thrown back as to how basic the training was for these scenarios. You are given 10 questions on a basis of 1-5 and, based on the number scored, an idea of what is wrong is given and this is when it becomes worse. IT IS ALL VOLUNTARY. The problem with PND revolves around the stigma that if you have such a condition that you must be a ‘bad mum’ this is false, this in turn leads many mothers to turn down the help or just shrug it off with all out rejection. The NHS should have proper training in place and higher guidelines to adhere to when perceiving the notion that a mother may have postnatal depression. A simple 10 point questionnaire is just not enough.

Fathers and Postnatal Depression :

Most commonly the father  may feel left out, neglected, sad, lonely or even angry. These are common for the every day father stuck in the PND world but what can you do? Well to be honest there is not much you can do without every piece of the puzzle falling right into place. Without your partner identifying the problem and agreeing to help, these problems will just persist day in, day out which can lead to a major feeling of resentment towards your new family. Postnatal depression can lead you into a vicious circle with no idea of an exit strategy, so sit down, be honest and let your partner know your concerns and try to find a solution before its too late.

Dads, unfortunately, can suffer postpartum depressions as well.  This can show itself as loss of interest in activities, fatigue, changes in appetite or weight, feelings of guilt and worthlessness or even thoughts of death and suicide.  A father’s depression does have an effect on their kids.  Having postpartum depression can affect their ability to interact with their kids.  Because a father can be more withdrawn and irritable, this can affect a child’s understanding of emotions and how to regulate their own.

It is important that you move past this depression as it can affect your children long term.  As a father, there are a few simple things to make sure you do.  Always remember all the benefits of being a father.  Whether that is looking forward to that first smile or even thinking long term – like getting to walk you daughter down the aisle or watching your son graduate.  Even imagining what your relationship will be like the older they get.  This helps remind you why you wanted to become a father in the first place.  You can always get support.  Whether that is getting together with other new fathers, your own dad or a rabbi or priest, it is important to seek these people out immediately.  They will be your greatest support group and can help you put things in perspective.  And most importantly – you matter!  As a father, sometimes you can feel lost as to what your place is when the dynamic has changed between you and your wife.  A father’s role today has become more primary one in helping raise kids.  A relationship between a dad and his kids are crucial in their kid’s development.

Do not stand by and watch the world with regrets, even in the bad times and awful times hold on to the notion that you are a husband and father and remember why you have come to where you are now. I myself stood back and will have to live with this. I will, of course, be there if my wife ever needs me, she is the mother of my beautiful daughter but for me after 6 months of PND and no real help from the outside world it gradually crumbled away at what we had. We had no friends or supportive family surrounding us where we lived, yet we were suffocating. Times change and never say never but make sure that you have what you need around you that can help you on your way to feeling happy again. Make sure your network of family understands what you are going through, if not, cut them out of the equation. Sometimes it takes the extremes and may be hard to cut those ties and change your whole routine but for the sake of your family, its worth it.

 

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