So in my post A New Home A Fresh Start I made clear on the changes of our lives as a newly formed family and what amazing chances we have been given to evolve how our family are, but was it the right choice?

All I can think right now is Yes and No.

The pros are in the right place. A chance to save up for a mortgage and have a chance to live a life without bills lingering over our heads. A chance to provide a solid life and stable home for our daughter and a chance to spend more time with my daughter whilst she is at such a young age. All pros.. All great on paper. The thought was an emphasis on our daughters life and safeguarding a strong family for her. Knowing she is sorted when it comes to future savings for a house or wedding etc but we missed something.

Our happiness.

Don’t take this wrong I am very happy with my wife, my life and my daughter but parts are missing to make me whole or in another word …sane. This has been harder than we expected and taken a bite out of what we had together.

We’ve moved to a new area in the middle of nowhere. A small village, where the average age  means I can hear stories about the Boar war. A recent situation highlighted this fact when I decided to reach out to meet people in the local area to form some kind of social life. I went for a drink down my local pub, surprised by the local age I proceeded to ask “is there anyone my age here?” Which proceeded to all round laughter from 5 of the local beer drinkers “you’ll be lucky to find anyone twice your age here”.  Great I thought. Not really thinking twice and just enjoyed a night out but over these last few weeks realising I was much more of a city boy than I thought. Country life by the sea is jut not ingrained into my DNA. I need it fast. I need it manic and exciting but most of all I miss my Brighton friends.

This has also reared its head in the adventures of our antenatal/baby group as they all live in the vicinity of Brighton that a short hop on hop off the bus you can meet them. We’re now outsiders. Shunned by societies fast pace to a life of social ambiguity and excitement.

The one thing it’s done is make me rely, quite highly, on social activities with my wife and in laws and this, I’m afraid, has strained us. I need to go out and venture into the unknown. A loss that has found its way into my heart and by all in tense and purposes makes me feel empty.

Can we continue? Will it get better?

Not for now. Waiting and hoping that things may surprise me or maybe its just the shock of having a different life built on solitude that highlights my need for interaction.

The sad fact is tonight I have had to leave my home and my family to venture off into this world as a dad in limbo. Am I a husband? or am I a single dad? The latter being a choice I dare not jump to lightly.

But truth be told its not what I want. Reliving the reasons of such a big move highlights to me that possibly our decision was not made with any thought and with a distinct possibility a decision guided by manipulation of ‘a better life’ and what has it shown us? It’s much harder to move away from what you love and what makes you you. Its hard to live a life that predominantly is felt as if it is not your own. Our daughter will be happy where ever she is and will always have a loving family to hold her close and make her smile but can a family take such a hit to infuse infighting and disappointment as the common mainstay for your arsenal? Only time will tell.

I love my wife and love my daughter. I need to figure this out. I’m feeling lonely but not alone. But time.. maybe that’s all I need. Time to be away and time to work on how to bring my family back together. Time to show my wife I am the husband she wants or as our vows state ‘through the good times and the bad’. I don’t know.

But right now I’m not by my daughters side and it breaks my heart.

I leave with this message to my daughter Daisy-Ella as a goodbye to what we have:

To my dearest Daisy-Ella,

I know that you won’t understand this and maybe one day you will but today mummy and daddy have decided to have some time apart from each other. I need you to know that every waking moment of having you in my life has been a cherished breathe that I hold deep within me. A long dream of love and adoration. You are the most special thing I have ever held aloft my chest and feel my heart ache as I dream about your face without me there beside you to make you smile. I know that times can change at a whimper and we may be only separate for a short while but know, My Daisy-Ella, Daddy thinks about you every moment he blinks a blink or breathes a breathe for you are my life and moment I knew of true love. I cannot tell you how long we shall be apart or whether mummy and daddy will be as one again but know I am trying so hard to make sure our family stays together. The moments so vivid as we watched you sleep and looked at each other in adoration, just as I can see as if in front of me the moment I held you in my arms and wept a tear as you stared back at me. The moment you rolled over or moment you first smiled. I will always remember bath times and splash splash splash or taking you high into the air and flying around the room. For you, my Daisy-Ella, have been every special moment. We have a life of adventures together, my Daisy-Ella and a life so full to watch you as you take your first steps to the moments I hear your first words.I will not be the daddy to miss a moment without being with you.  Daddy will always be there to hold your hand as you venture into this life unknown and be by your side when you graze your knee. For now though I will be away from mummy and you but you will not be out of my memories for I will always be your daddy for now and always.

I love you  my Strawberry Girl, my Daisy-Ella.

Love always Daddy x

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